Before I sleep, a vignette. J and I were looking up everyone studying around us’ personality types yesterday, based on the widely-used Myers Briggs test that our church is so fond of. S is an ESTJ, and the epitome of one at that. Lots of laughs about mowing lawns and joining the PTA. But later, when we were back to doing homework, S grew silent; it was evident he was frustrated about...
Cold turkey is nearly impossible for me, but it’s going to happen. For the past few days I’ve been saying that after my philosophy essay is done and submitted, I will change some bad habits that have ruined my semester. The essay is due at 3:40pm tomorrow. This change is going to happen. - No skipping discussions, regardless of circumstances. - Do my math homework throughout the...
As much as I love sleeping in on Saturdays…there’s nothing like a 6 mile run. And the view from Indian Rock is beautiful—I nearly cried. SF, the Marina, Berkeley, Campanile and campus, Oakland, the Bay Bridge and the Golden Gate, those strange crane structures that inspired Star Wars…for a moment, I realized my place. How the past 18 years have led me to this point. How God...
Better to tell the truth and to face consequences than to ignore, play dumb, or just lie. Even if it’s the tiniest thing. Especially if it’s the tiniest thing. So hard.
One day, in retrospect, I will smile.
I am so appropriately named “sea of bitterness.” And the saddest part is that I can recognize that it’s not your fault at all, not anyone’s fault, except mine. Me and my absurd sensitivity. Good night.
when, at 1am, your friends almost get shot…but luckily (ha, luckily) only pepper-sprayed. puts things into perspective. and after marinating in this for an hour, unable to empathize in the slightest, i feel as if i should be appalled at myself for the petty-in-comparison worries that have consumed me all week; but the truth is, living in constant reminder/fear that you or your loved ones...
Majors I have seriously considered (at Cal): Economics Practice of Art French Linguistics Other majors other people have mistaken/thought of me as: English Public Policy Legal Studies History (and Art History) As a J, and as someone who has planned the courses of my life in various directions, this comes across to me as a particularly uncharacteristic disconnect. Between what people...
Did I know there was a theological library/school associated with UCB? Nope, and I don’t think I ever could have found it on my own initiative. It’s a little off campus on North Side, in the hilly section, but really quite neat. Silent, empty, quaint, and all this overlooking Campinile and campus and San Francisco, Oakland, the bay, everything. It’s one of those days where I...
Math midterm, check…the first time I’ve had a real calculus exam since junior year. I thought learning it a second time would be easier (and it actually is), but the connotations I have with this subject matter are too painful for me to want to commit any time to it, want to work on it, want to do anything related to it or even think about it by myself. Since every time I walk into...
I used to joke that if/when I finally fell ill in college, that would be the end of my academic career. I can’t function when I’m sick, at all, and it’s pretty evident. Everything is frustrating and if I hadn’t been away from my computer for the duration of my day, I probably would have rashly decided to drop Econ out of being angry that the problem set due tomorrow...
The other night, someone I barely know dubbed me as in a constant state of being flustered. And actually, that is pretty accurate…as three other bystanders confirmed. So, today epitomizes that, in mild ways. DayQuil has me on a leash, and I am overall very confused but happy; but, it’s also one of those days when I see that coincidences of bumping into people were not really so much...
Sometimes, on the sixth, a peculiar feeling brews in me. It’s some sort of gnawing in my mind telling me that I’m forgetting something important, that I am missing something painfully obvious. Even the sight of a six alone is enough for me to tilt my head and scrutinize, wondering why it seems to have a significant meaning—but it’s generally not enough for me to remember. ...
I see now that there is an evident change in my thinking, my perception of things around me, my view on speech and dignity and all things to be dealt with on earth. I also see that my vileness has a name. That is, anger and jealousy and narcissism, among other things. I see what has happened after years of an untrained eye, years of deceiving myself. Years of general prayers, never wanting to...
Sometimes, I just need a day off. a morning off. a few hours off. Today was one of those days. I woke up and felt strange and ill, but decided to get ready, but by the time I was packed and set to go, it was already 9:10am, and walking to Kroeber would take me another 10 minutes, and then getting my art supplies from the Mezzanine would take another 5 minutes, and I’d be all set and ready to...
Brother: Jeremy Lin is studying economics. Therefore I approve of you studying economics as well.
Me: .......he also goes to Harvard, buy(sic) minor detail I suppose
Brother: Yeah but you go to cal, the best public school in the world
Brother: Btw his dream school was ucla
Brother: DO YOU KNOW HE COMES FROM PALO ALTO AND IS CHRISTIAN?????!!!!??!!
Me: Yes -___-
Brother: You and him are so similar.
Brother: You come from berkeley and are christian too
Brother: AND YOU BOTH STUDY ECON
Me: I CAN'T MARRY HIM OK
Brother: AND YOU BOTH HAVE BIG BROTHERS WHO YOU LOOK UP TO AND WERE HUGE ROLE MODELS
Several little things: It’s been exactly one year since I got my iPhone! Yes, I keep track of these things, and yes, it’s meaningful to me. Smartphones are pretty fantastic and I attribute my not dying on various journeys (driving, bus-ing, walking) to both God and my phone GPS. ‘Lucky to be alive’ is not even a joke in some circumstances, especially since coming to...
A little over a month into the new year, and I now know precisely what’s attainable, what’s seek-able, and what is completely out of the water. So, I have decided I have realized what my actual resolutions/goals are: Running each day that it’s nice out AND when I don’t have a killer schedule (i.e. the latter half of the week, and then definitely on weekends. And I...
Seeing my stress levels for today could not nearly get any worse than yesterday, I was very optimistic for the new day, and resultantly, things have been going pretty well! I slept at 4am, but still felt well-rested when waking; the weather is perfect—my ideal Bay Area climate—and church was a well-needed dosage of conviction/reflection, starting with week 2 of our new Sunday school...
Stop throwing up when stressed.
God is so good. I would say that I’m starting to get very repetitive in everything that I post, but I can’t get over it. So, so good. Today has been a blessing. Excited for tonight :) hopefully my fingers can handle playing the guitar for just a few more hours…ah!
Time to start anew. That’s the joy of having cycles; there are new years that can usher in change, new months that can usher in change, new weeks that can usher in change, new days that can usher in change. May I also mention that today, some 20 minutes ago, I finally grasped the allure of photojournalism? It comes in many forms, but for me: capturing the unintended. The unposed. The...
What is excess stress but a strong indicator that I’m not trusting God to carry me through? Psalm 31:10: For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away. I tire due to my own human inabilities. Due to my iniquity, my sinfulness. It’s expected. Why do I choose to live under such constant burden for any and...
salvation is here
It’s gonna be all right.