One day left of the conference. This has probably been the most productive use of my time since winter break started…there’s so much to do here and look at and think about and pray for and hear from and talk about.

Right now, my verdict: I have no idea what God wants me to do, but at the same time there are a lot more open doors that lead me down more specific paths. I am wrestling between whether my heart for global missions is really from God or whether it is a shadow of my wanderlust. And, would I be okay if I remained in the United States in the future? Although I thought that was God’s newly revised plan for me, especially after finding my heavily community-oriented college church, I am definitely having my eyes opened to something different now.

Equal parts torn, but so blessed from all of this. One thing I have taken away, however, is that the urgency and need to be 100% committed to what I am doing/where I am placed in RIGHT NOW is so crucial. And so this might mean sacrificing the intern and missions opportunities I’ve discovered in order to stay in Berkeley and really invest during the summer, which means Cambodia and then a lot of being an active member within my church.

On the other hand, it puts yet another prong in the already-existing fork in my road. I was debating between Cambodia+internship (business or graphic design or…?) or Cambodia+campus jobs or Cambodia+class or Cambodia+study abroad for this summer, but now it looks like I need to seriously consider whether this will turn into Cambodia+more international missions work. And I really have no clue…I would say that I should just apply to everything and ask for clear indicators (rejections), but I am also realizing now the relevance of due dates and timelines in determining what to do.

Regardless…I am really thankful I have the opportunity to struggle through this. It’s the greatest problem to have, I think, the privilege to serve God and figure out his purpose. Albeit scary, there is nothing that drives me more and brings me more passion than work focused around my Savior.

Meanwhile, I will be intentionally growing my prayer life…another area that has been highlighted as a major problem in my spiritual journey. And the rest I save for another time.

He is so, so good. I know things don’t always make sense and even feel cruel, but he is faithful to those who love and trust in him. Listen to me, believe me. It is written all over my life, and I am daily being shown more of this amazing grace.

To love another person is to see the face of God.

So, so good…there aren’t many stories that just get better each time you watch/hear/read them. There are even fewer who fit that criteria and can also challenge your outside-of-movie-theater existence. Les Mis is one of the few.

Thrice jacked via text message on Christmas Eve…

A: Post a snow pic!
Me: It’s too dark now :( but I’m hoping tomorrow morning…!!!!!!
A: Aww send me a quick iphone pic i wanna seeeee
Me: [pic]
A: Ah. Which side of the farm are you facing

—

Me: Btw, how did you come to realize that I knew him when you met him? Just wondering!
D: Oh I asked him who his soul mate was

—

S: Mom: “Is Mary engaged?”
S: (I’ll let that one sink in for a little)
Me: ………
S: “She wears a ring on her left ring finger!!!!”
Me: It’s on my right hand!!!! It always is!
S: Mom: Oops 

My family probably does the most inconsistent, untraditional Christmases. We are pretty horrible at surprising each other (and stopped trying a long time ago), one of us is always not at 100% due to some reason or another, this year there isn’t even a tree up because we threw our 18+ year old fake one away and didn’t have time to/didn’t prioritize replacing it, we spend Christmas Eve out last-minute shopping and doing an amalgamation of errands and usually are doing our separate things for whatever program the church is running that year…sometimes I wish we had family traditions—that’s so cute—or took the holiday more seriously, but in its own disordered way, Christmas is still perfect. Because what day isn’t worth giving thanks for, and why should I desire to do things that would only merely fuel the legalistic, systematic part of me that cannot let go of a sense of control?

Spent the last 2.5 hours watching the first Harry Potter film with my parents (and totally missed the clock striking 12AM), going against my instincts to pop in the newest movie. I ordered the full 8-disk box set about a month ago, but haven’t touched it until today…it was a good choice to start (re)watching it together, though. Even if my mom is really conservative and has never been a big fan of Harry Potter, she took my brother and I to watch it when it first came out some 11 years ago, and the memory has stuck.

That first time I saw it, eyes wide at McGonagall transforming from cat into human, versus seeing it again today…I can’t explain the exact sentiment, but some things never change, and there will always be some memories I fondly keep in my mind, no matter how trivial. One thing I know is that I’m glad to finally have learned how to enjoy the company of one another. And although we are far from ideal, I am grateful for some peace in the household, finally. All a part of growing up, I guess.

This little light will go away if I won’t be real.

Some things I vowed to never like…and now do:

• Wearing socks to sleep
• Eggplant
• Relient K
• My hair
• Spotify
• Classic novels
• Normal, quiet Asian boys

Proof that college changes you.