Always a little jarring to learn in class about the scientific side of things you’ve struggled with emotionally.

I really enjoy studying, which is a bizarre revelation to have at 3am right before my first midterm in a subject I haven’t studied in four years.

I sort of wish I were a science major sometimes, not merely so I could make the parents proud or fulfill expectations or whatever, but simply because I find the workings and processes of our bodies to be so incredibly fascinating…how great is our God in creating such intricacies that function flawlessly, daily, in order to keep me alive and able to type this? And if my friends thought my appreciation for blisters was weird, I have a newfound love for mucus now. So cool.

But the truth of the matter is that I can’t deal with the constant memorizing of everything and that’s it. Sad, but my greatest demise. People ask me why I opted to take NST 10 over the summer when I could probably and fairly effortlessly get an A in the school year; a big reason is because I can’t handle memorizing in large quantities, yes, but also because (back to my first point) I secretly just wanted to invest time into really learning and understanding the only bio class I will take in my entire college career. Yeah.

Okay though, it’s late and I’m tired and I have to wake up earlier than usual in order to ensure that I have enough time to hobble to class on my ankle…and on a totally random note, I will add that P.Ed announcing Gracepoint’s switch to the ESV Bible was probably one of the biggest highlights of my day, as weird as that sounds. I love ESV and have been actively struggling against NIV to make it my primary version. Not that NIV is bad, but I really appreciate the strict literal translation of ESV…anyway, it was just really happy news. Finally all my memorizing verses in the “wrong” version will pay off; I’m excited to do deep studies with my roommate, among other people, who is getting her new ESV study this week. It’s nice being able to read the same version, since you really do derive different things from different wording. I usually do devotions in two or three translations, but ESV is often overlooked…psyched to see some light being shed on it and for the appreciation to grow.

Math midterm, check…the first time I’ve had a real calculus exam since junior year. I thought learning it a second time would be easier (and it actually is), but the connotations I have with this subject matter are too painful for me to want to commit any time to it, want to work on it, want to do anything related to it or even think about it by myself.

Since every time I walk into section (not even lecture, since I can’t bear to go, haha…and I am supremely lazy. Or just cannot wake up for 8am classes, orrr just lazy) I have flashbacks to 2009-2010, when I couldn’t go to school each day free of anxiety. Pop quizzes, and then pop quizzes after pop quizzes, and chair throwing, and birthday month, and all that unnecessary nonsense that didn’t contribute, didn’t complement, didn’t do anything to my education except push me further away from something I feel I could have potentially really enjoyed.

And I do enjoy it, when I understand it. But it’s just that wave of instilled fear that keeps pulling me back into high school memories, and then I spend the first 30 minutes of discussion section shaking or with a quickened heartbeat.

It’s incredible what conditioning can do. Though, on the other hand, it’s incredible how humans have such an ability to change, given incentive. And there are definitely a list of things backing my motives, but at the end (or beginning) of the day, it has to go back to God.

So. If I’m going to take this class, which I am firmly set on, then no more complaining allowed. If I’m going to put myself through this mild form of torture, it has to be for a purpose. My studying has to glorify God in some way. I know I’ll be thankful someday, in retrospect, for giving math another chance.

First semester was too enjoyable for me, and although I know college is supposed to be filled with exploration and things you are genuinely interested in…there will be challenges to meet and face and conquer. This is one of them.