If I fail Econ this semester, I’m going to do English and be happy. Decided.

Something that has been hitting me this week: I am really thankful for the spiritual older brother figures God has placed in my life since college began. Witnessing genuine zeal for God and a singleminded-ness towards the Creator in these godly men has been important in healing my trust and cynicism/skepticism. I wish I could actively appreciate people more and stop realizing these things only in hindsight. But hey, I’ll take it.

I am starting to see bits of the myriad of avenues by which God is trying to help me get a better glimpse of his character. I’ve been really blessed today. Thanks, Father :)

Today, I was reminded yet again of what covenant really means in the context of a God-honoring community. I find it sad that I never encountered this word before college—how is that possible, having grown up in the church? Unfortunately, it is way too possible, way too common—but I feel incredibly blessed to be able to experience it at all, now. Both through testimony and in my life, personally.

I think what strengthens me is knowing that the intense zeal for God I see in these seniors, these staff, these leaders? It happened as short a time ago as even last year. Transformation is always happening, and although I frequently feel that I am late, that I wish I had pulled my act together in high school; God can use me and work in me no matter the platform I am now starting again on. Like one of the points from last week emphasized, the past is not wasted. What’s now is what matters, though, and I need to make sure I’m moving forward.

Yep. Just so, so blessed. Feeling really spiritually nourished. Also thankful for a lot of things, like last night’s conversation with M which really reminded me of how far my friendships have come in even one year of living together…and also thankful that my body is slowly building up immunity towards typhoid. Boy, did I not expect that rock-hard wave of nausea and headache that hit me this afternoon. I’ve been forced to take my studies a lot slower than I would like, this being one of the relevant situations, but it’s actually quite a blessing. I’m getting to talk and be with people and really enjoy one another’s company. Of far greater value than this school thing, anyway :).

Today is a new day and I’m blessed to be alive, breathing, healthy, and happy. Despite imminent exams trying to threaten my future and worth, I know that my education is at best just another way that God is helping me grow my understanding of stewardship and responsibility; a means to teach me and not to harm me. I will go about my day with a sense of hope and eagerness of what my Father has in store to mold me into someone more like Him, rather than burdened by stresses and anxieties. I will cast all my cares upon Him, because He loves me.

Yep :)

1 Corinthians 9:19-23

For though I am free from all, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win more of them. To the Jews I became as a Jew, in order to win Jews. To those under the law I became as one under the law (though not being myself under the law) that I might win those under the law. To those outside the law I became as one outside the law (not being outside the law of God but under the law of Christ) that I might win those outside the law. To the weak I became weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some. I do it all for the sake of the gospel, that I may share with them in its blessings.

—

The hardest.

1. Struggling with forward motion. Been running in circles for the past year—a good circle, but a circle nevertheless—and it’s time that changes. I’m grateful for the times of refreshing that come with repentance, but I think a lot of my feelings of being stuck come from being unwilling to grow into the roles set before me.
   
   Today at summer orientation for the DC, a passing comment was made that “being an editor entails taking up responsibility,” which hit harder than it should have. There are a lot of things to see to, a lot of things I want to do and take ownership over, but ultimately I shy away from stewardship because I am afraid of failure. And fear of failure comes from insecurity in my identity as a daughter of God, not trusting that He will come through, still wanting to depend on myself as the primary giver.
   
   C once wrote on Tumblr that through the experience of spraining her ankle, she saw that God was gently asking her to slow down, take a breath, and trust in Him. As my cold/illness approaches its 2-week mark, you would think that I would be struck by the same notion, but despite being constantly forced by my body to shut down and sleep, I have yet to relinquish control over anything. It’s sad. It takes a lot of pride to uphold this behavior and clearly I have a deep well full of it, hah.
   
   
2. On a more uplifting note, I’ve been really undeservedly blessed throughout this week. Starting with last Sunday, I’ve been able to see a lot of really amazing things happen. The last day with our Element high schoolers: K baking up a storm yet again for the mentors, A making me a really professional-grade bracelet, the overall thoughtfulness of all the girls. Unexpectedly being shown and reaffirmed that the relationships I have mean a lot to both parties: the French Lily from M, being asked like old times to outreach with N, plain expressions of friendship from K, K, S, A…the all-college rally on Tuesday and hearing about God’s faithfulness with the Austin church, the first night of production and finally getting a lot of anxieties about not being able to do everything out of the way, praise band practice in the closet, barely but mercifully able to pass the libel test for DC, dropped grades to accomodate my sickness, Iron Man 3 premier and Pepper and Tony, a flawless IUT that made my job a lot easier, Asha and kiwi fruit tea, the quilt coming together and M&A really loving it and that whole bizarre baby shower in general, today’s lifegroup time at Tomi to celebrate our winter break goals being met, the jar of verses…amazing that our lg can even do that for each other now.
   
   
3. Goals for next week: it doesn’t feel like instruction is actually over, because I haven’t really been in class for the past week anyway…but thorough studying is one thing I want to focus on. And just focusing in general; it’s being more and more obvious every day that I am just a very distracted person. I have to think more about that (and just think more in general…), and I know I probably won’t make much progress in just a week, but you have to start somewhere.
   
   
4. Last thing: E is getting baptized tomorrow! I’m really excited. I want to be better about celebrating these things and writing/making cards, so…something is going to come together before tomorrow. Hooray :)
   
   
5. Slowly but surely. Philippians 1:6

But worth, value, and beauty is not determined

By some innate quality

But by the length for which the owner would go to possess them

And broken and ugly things just like us are stamped "Excellent"

With ink tapped in wells of divine veins

A system of redemption that could only be described as perfect

A seal of approval, fatal debt removal

Promised, prominent, perfect priest

Brilliant designed system, redemption for our kinsmen

Can only be described as perfect with excellent execution

And I'm in awe; the only One truly excellent

The only source of excellence

We are declared excellent only by His decree with His system

The only accurate response is awe

So we make lofty art

See the presence of good art will unconsciously refine a community

And poor art will do an incalculable harm

Only accomplished in the light of His excellency

It's too high, it's lofty